i love both you and the german language way too much
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Montag, August 29, 2005
aaahhh i'm nauseaus and i'm trying to clean/think about packing, but I keep getting distracted or tired and stopping because i'm so completely depressed. aaah. i think things will get better if i'm ever actually done with the packing thing...maybe. i don't have a lot of time. i know i'll be positive-atitude-ified once i'm actually there (in two days!!! ahh *sobs*), since i'll have to be (or at least pretend to be...and in this case i think it's one of those 'when i fool the people i fear i fool myself as well' things)...but like...i don't wanna go! i can't do it! i'm moping around my house and i totally can't comprehend that I'm actually going to be away from here more time than not over the next few months/years/REST OF MY LIFE and it's starting the day after tomorrow and what am I going to do when my mom and dad just LEAVE me there and I don't get to come home in three weeks and i hardly know anyone (no girls!) and i have to be all feeling people out and on my best behavior and polite/considerate to my roommate and try not to weird people out too much at once and aaaaaahh i have to go clean.
3:05 PM
Freitag, August 26, 2005
what am I even supposed to do without you? everything I do seems related to one or more of my friends...when I get dressed I think what you'll say about my outfit...when I see, hear, or think something funny, I imagine your reaction to it...when I need to make a decision, I wonder what advice you will/would give me. I'm scared to have that change. I'm scared to start functioning without you guys and I'm scared for you to function without me. It hurts to think of other people knowing you better, becoming more important in your lives than I am...it's so scary to know that from now on seeing you will be something I have to plan and wait for, will be a special occasion...I like just driving around, wasting time, because we're together every day and we've run out of stories to tell and we just wanna hang out and be together and do nothing, preferably to good music.
And I wish I could protect you from anything that might be bad, even though I know I can't, and I'm afraid that you'll be sad sometimes and I won't even have a chance of knowing about it.
And I sometimes think you're the main thing keeping me tied to sanity or reality or whatever, and I'm afraid that I'll lose it completely when you're not there.
And I'm afraid that my closet-antisocial-freak tendencies will come out and I won't want to hang out with anyone I'm not already totally comfortable with.
And I'm just generally afraid that everything is changing and that this was the last week of the way things have always been. and i like this...and I don't know if what's coming will be better or worse, but...
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Sorry for all the changing 'you's in this...some are plural and some are singular and directed at various people kinda i guess...but it could all be considered to speak to the vague general group. I dunno. I love you. I've loved the whole childhood/adolescence thing. I want us all to have wonderful things ahead of us and I think we do.
I'm just sad right now. just really really sad.
10:40 PM
Montag, August 08, 2005
I veeted the legs! They are not happy about this. I feel mostly neutral I guess. It is strange! Kinda cool to see all that smooth skin again, but I feel vaguely lame when I think about all the time I'll waste maintaining them. Still fun, though! Or it will be when my skin realizes what's happened to it and calms down. Maybe shaving would've been a better choice.
In other news, one more week at Columbia (oh man I really need to focus/study/do work and it's sooo hard to make myself even though it's just _one_more_week_ and I should be able to get into that kind of tunnel vision thing.
I bought yarn for a pale blue cotton short sleeved sweater with thin little whit stripes and also the book Vintage Knits which I've been loving for a while. While I was there I secured my job for winter break and got Keara excited about knitting projects. Good stuff! I think I will suck at running for the next two or three weeks because I will not be training much before freitag what with all the procrastinating I have to do with these tests coming up. Someday I will conquer this ridiculous nature of mine. I think I'm getting slowly better.
6:36 PM
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